I know, I know, my whole generation is old before our time (Just think how nostalgiac-yet-bitchy we'll be when we're actually OLD!) but still, lemme get something off my chest... This is directed at... basically everyone under the age of 17 who's any kind of video gamer. Does that describe you? Okay.
Here's the thing: When I was you're age (ugh, that feels lame) and we "won" a game where the goal (in the story) was to rescue/impress "the girl" (and that was most of them) here's basically what we got:
And we were damn glad to get it! You kids have no IDEA how hard games had to be back when you couldn't count on 1080p HD graphics and a looped Audioslave track to keep you engaged. One run through Level 8-4 of the original "Super Mario Bros." and Master Chief would piss his armor rusty.
But you get to the end and there she is: The Princess. Granted, she's only slightly more discernable as a princess than the "springboards" are as springboard (old folks, tell the truth: You wondered why jumping on an hourglass made Mario bounce,) but you've got the manual and the merchandising to tell you that those pixels represent a classically-kawaii Manga-esque babe, and she's all your's. That was enough.
That was 1986. 20 years ago.
Do you kids have ANY clue how good you have it? That gal was our reward for finishing the whole game! But you guys? This is one of the rewards you get just for doing pretty good for a bit in the new just-for-fun fighting game volleyball spinoff "Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball 2." Look:
So just THINK about this, y'little rugrats, the next time you decide to complain that the texture mapping isn't perfect in this title, or that the "hair animation" doesn't flow right on that character... just remember how lucky you are that that little Russ Meyer-esque throwaway gag above get's to be part of your adolescence.
Hey, while I'm on "Dead or Alive"... hey, Hollywood! Can we get Corey Yuen's "DoA" movie into some THEATRES already!? You've kept me waiting like a year for this thing:
Can you blame me? Out with it, already!