GENERIC-ASIAN-HORROR-REMAKE REVIEW-WIZARD Ver 3.0
INSTRUCTIONS.RDM (README): Following viewing of Generic Asian Horror Remake, insert appropriate specifics into indicated-spaces.
[TITLE] is an American remake of [ORIGINAL TITLE], another in the seemingly endless line of subtley-spooky [ASIAN COUNTRY OF ORIGIN] ghost movies that came in a deluge following the release of "Ringu." [ORIGINAL TITLE] took the well-traveled route, essentially grafting the mandatory slow-build creepiness and a sampling of [NOTEWORTHY ELEMENTS BORROWED FROM RINGU & JU-ON] into a story of ["HOOK"] to create a fun new angle on the genre and made [ORIGINAL FILMMAKER] one-to-watch... at least until last year and the release of [ORIGINAL FILMMAKER'S LACKLUSTER AMERICAN DEBUT FILM.] These things happen [SNARKY I'VE-SEEN-MORE-MOVIES-THAN-YOU-NYAH-NYAH SIDE COMMENT].
Now, as if to add insult to injury, [ORIGINAL TITLE] here gets remade with the customary de-fanging and dumbing down we really ought to be used to by now in a country that continues to allow the existance of [OUT-OF-PLACE DERISIVE JOKE AT THE EXPENSE OF MAINSTREAM POP-CULTURAL STRAW MAN]. Anyway, [MARGINALLY-TALENTED B-LIST MAXIM HOTTIE] stars as [FEMALE LEAD,] who [SARCASTICALLY-RECAPPED CHARACTER BIO] leading to [PREMISE OF FILM] and now finds herself on the recieving end of [ALLEGEDLY SCARY PART OF MOVIE,] which arrives looking on-loan from [SHOW-OFFY REFERENCE TO OBSCURE GENRE FLICK MOST OF AUDIENCE HAS NEVER HEARD OF]. No prizes for guessing what's going on. Enter [MALE LEAD], looking like [BAD JOKE ABOUT MALE FASHION TRENDS] but really just here so that [FEMALE LEAD] has someone to bounce [DIG AT FEMALE LEAD'S ACTING SHORTCOMINGS] off of. Together, they set out to defeat the [WHATEVER MANY ELEMENTS ARE BORROWED FROM "JACOB'S LADDER"] from "Jacob's Ladder."
[MARGINALLY TALENTED B-LIST MAXIM HOTTIE] isn't that great of an actress, but you knew that, and it's probably asking too much to have her in the somewhat difficult role of [SARCASTICALLY-RECAPPED CHARACTER BIO.] Sadly, her best role remains her turn as [MINOR CHARACTER-ROLE IN GEEK-ENSHRINED 'GOOD' MOVIE] and it's still mostly just marking time until we get to see [DEGREE OF NUDITY NOT YET PERFORMED]. Keep waiting.
[PARAGRAPH-LENGTH BITCH ABOUT SPECIAL EFFECTS MINUTIAE]
[PARAGRAPH-LENGTH RANT ABOUT GENRE CLICHES ONLY NOTICED BY THOSE WHO SEE EVERY DAMN MOVIE THAT COMES OUT]
[ALLEGEDLY-HUMOROUS DIGRESSION ABOUT QUIRKY BEHAVIOR OF CHARACTERS/MONSTERS IN MOVIES LIKE THIS]
In the end, [TITLE] could have been worse. [GRATUITOUS SLAM OF MICHAEL BAY] And it's hardly the worst thing out there - don't forget that [RECENT BAD MOVIE] is still playing a few theaters down.
[GUSHING RECCOMENDATION OF SIMILAR BUT MORE OBSCURE AND OFFBEAT SIMILAR MOVIE]
FINAL RATING: 3/10