Sunday, May 31, 2009

Twilight: New Moon

"Twilight" was easily one of the passing years' worst films, but it at least it's offered the Movie Geek set something we haven't had in awhile: A bona-fide mass-media punching bag. It's such a completely awful film franchise - bad story, worse script, awful dialogue, bad acting, bad direction all bound up in the selling of a cringe-inducingly campy Harlequin love story. It's like everything worth hating in modern film (hell, modern FICITON) all rolled into one entity and magnified. The only question was whether or not the REST of the series would continue being as much fun to slap around. Well, here's the "New Moon" trailer...

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer in HD


...which reveals that this time around the world's lamest execuses for Vampires will be challenged by the world's lamest excuses for Werewolves.

13 comments:

wandering_nomad said...

The... horror? : /

untravaersil said...

Fuck... They're making a sequel? How many in the series are there?
...
Four? Goddamn. You would've thought that by the end of #1 she wouldve had his babies. Do they ever hook up sometime in the four books, or is the entire series spent on the two just swooning over each other until god smites them out of pity?

Bob said...

I dunno about y'all, but since the series already has Vampires who're emo even for vampires and now Werewolves who look like Cabana Boys from gay porno, I'm hoping they eventually get around to Mummies with gender-identity crisis, or a Gillman who works at Whole Foods, or maybe a Frankenstein who cuts himself (that one actually almost works...)

weirdaljedifan2 said...

wow... just wow. The movie isn't out and it is already bad.

Twist said...

Twilight as a series is the worst thing to happen to fiction in years. Being nothing more than a shamless pop-fiction Harry Potter cash-in, it offers no subject matter, no symbolism, no real plot - it's just a soap opera for teenagers with zero merit whatsoever. It's affect on literature as a whole was horrific. Not only is this non-fiction making those who read it dumber by conditioning them to read this kind of crap, it's also teaching writers (perhaps even some good writers) that they don't need morals, character development or overarching themes, all they need is a gimmick to get teens hooked. Meyer herself is one of the worst role models for up-and-coming writers I can think of. Twilight has dealt a cruel, harsh blow to the film industry, but for actual novels it has been far, far worse.

I am well-aware this was a rant, but that's what the internet is for! Keep up the incredible work, Bob :)

Andrew Gyorkos said...

I just like how the entire existence of New Moon is based upon Bella getting THE WORST PAPER CUT IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. I had to replay .42 to .45 of the trailer about a dozen times, just because it's so mind-bogglingly idiotic.

I mean seriously. Not only does she cut herself on birthday wrap (which I had thought was physically impossible by the way), but it somehow bleeds enough that it cause sizable blood droplets to clear her hand and land on the carpet.

Vincent said...

I agree with Twist, except to add that the Harry Potter books were also big, rip-off, cash-in exercises too.

But obviously this mormon crap is ten times worse.

Bob said...

Forget the paper-cut, if "Twilight's" brand of vampire is so hard to control around blood drops... shouldn't there be like a thousand randomly-murdered kids turning up at this school shortly after suffering split lips or hangnails? Hell, what does Bella do when Aunt Flo is visiting? Does she have to spend one week out of three inside a fucking bank vault or something? Or do they only flip out like that when it's convenient to the plot?

Twist said...

Dude, in the fourth book the werewolf falls in love with a new-born baby, as in, less than a day old (yes, that sentence is completely correct) - they don't care much for reason or logic. Meyer makes shit up whenever she feels like it, the Twilight books make up laws and rules whenever it will increase the "plot" - it's Fairly Odd Parents with vampires.

tyra menendez said...

yeah. the fact that the main character is a total cunt, yest everyone just looooves her... the main vampire's only "flaw" is that he's an atheist, yet a total pussy... the fact that they have a fuckin' kid and it grows to adult size in no time at all (?)... and the lead werewolf wants to rape it... and now, the "new" series of books is just the old series from the main vamp-wusses perspective...
twilight is so bad it replaces the term "fail" with itself. it would be very easy to turn twilight into and adjective to describe all things wrong with modern fiction.
i've looked at several places online to read the story arch, without having to read the actual books, but even just reading the... "plot" is cringe inducing.

underthepale said...

Wait, what?

No, seriously, what?

They... This can't be... They can't honestly...

Oh god. I think I'm going to cry! White Wolf is no longer the worst thing to happen to vampires and werewolves! Anne Rice is now one of the literary giants of erotic horror!

Someone, please, hold me, I'm so scared...

seraphmaclay said...

Whilst I truly hate all things Twilight...I gotta say, how rare is it to see werewolves that actually look like wolves lately? Yes the obvious exception was that horrible film Blood and Chocolate a few years ago, which I doubt even Twilight could take worse werewolf movie away from, ever. I mean Underworld, they just looked like the Mummy's Anubis warriors, except more alive, and Harry Potter's looked like...well, it looked like a giant Gollum. Werewolves rarely, if ever, look like wolves these days, and I'm getting tired of only bad films (New Moon may be good...but I highly doubt it) making them look decent.

-Sara

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Fucking. GOD. I knew Twilight sucks, but I didn't think it could be so bad that they couldn't even make a deceptively good looking TRAILER out of it! That is probably the lamest trailer I've seen in ages- which speaks VOLUMES for how garbage the film is going to be. I wonder if MovieBob will declare it worse that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? I wonder if he'll even have the courage to submit himself to it?