Wednesday, June 09, 2010

A Dictionary Of Political Ideologies... as-translated by Americans

CONSERVATIVE: "The Government should be as small an uninvolved in everyday life as possible. Umm... except in matters of art, expression and personal morality - particularly as it pertains to sex - THERE it should be as involved as possible. Oh, and that part of Government that's The Army? That can be as big and involved as it wants, because tanks are wicked-awesome."

LIBERAL: "The Government should be as big an involved in everyday life as possible. Umm... Except in matters of art, expression and personal morality - particularly as it pertains to sex - THERE it should have nothing to say whatsoever. Oh, and that part of Government that's The Army? That part can take a hike, because guns are mean and scary."

LIBERTARIAN: "The Government should be small, period. If that smallness means some of us 'don't make it?' Well, that's too bad, but I'm not giving up my freedom for their security."

OBJECTIVIST: "The Government should be small, period. If that smallness means some of us 'don't make it?' Heh! I shall take fetishistic joy in witnessing the fall of the inferior."

SOCIALIST: "The economic castes of human society are unjust and corrupt, and must be equalized... to the degree that "equalization" will allow me to still have a decent apartment."

COMMUNIST: "I am a Socialist (see above) and I am also desperately needy for attention. Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!"

ANARCHIST: "I am trying to pursue a sexual relationship with a woman who calls herself an Anarchist."


untra said...

Well done sir. You've hit it spot on.
But what about a tea party-er?

Euler d'Moogle said...

Thank you. I'm glad someone said it.

Nick said...

Hmm, good question, untra.

TEA PARTY: I call myself a "Libertarian" because it's more trendy than being a Conservative at the moment, despite the fact that my understanding of what either of those words actually mean is limited at best.

(seriously, you'd be surprised how many "Libertarians" are willing to set aside their ideals of fiscal responsibility when it comes to that part of government that's The Army.)

Anonymous said...

now that your done America bashing, why dont you talk about something to do with movies, like your website suggests you do.
like this mabye.....

Mortal Kombat new movie or awesome video game trailer. i hope its a movie to be honest, looks cool.
now that ive done your job for you, have a nice day sir.

Chris said...

You're right about everything but socialism. Americans don't know anything about it except everyone who disagrees with them are socialists.

Phillip Bastien said...

A Dictionary of Political Ideologies… As Translated By A Canadian

Conservative [Canadian]– A government system mostly focused on maintaining economic growth and security while turning some attention away from large social programs.

Liberal [Canadian] – A government system focused on social growth and stability with lessened concern for economic programs.

Bloc-Quebecquois – Ungrateful francophones who act like douche bags for attention.

Liberal [American] –focused on providing a stable nation for a population 60 percent composed of ignorant, ungrateful fools. Struggles to not just say ‘fuck it’ and pack up and move to Canada.

Conservative [American] – Saying ‘No’ to everything the liberals suggest. Following the ideologies of Glenn Beck. Attempting to be or act like the worst possible stereotype of a redneck American. Also heavily concerned with controlling matters of art, expression and morality. Also tends to be hardline Christian and claims US is Christian nation despite fact that country was created by freemasons who deliberately and clearly separated church from state. Fights Socialized medicine without any actual idea about what it is. Can be mildly prejudiced.

Libertarian – Taking conservative American to the extreme with even less intelligence. Generally Prejudiced.


Objectivist [Actual] – Extreme focus on personal gain and happiness at the expense of social order and others. Inferiority Complex forces individual to think they are one of the few pillars supporting society despite overwhelming evidence that they are worth jack shit.

Objectivist [American] – I’m Conservative but wish to identify myself as an Objectivist for the sake of being an individual.

Objectivist [Canadian] – I hold any number of political beliefs but distinguish myself from others by taking a hardline stance that the ownership of intellectual properties rests solely in the hands of those who created them. Current definition originates from after the guy who created Earthworm Jim got fucked over by publisher.

Socialist (American): Apparently What Canada is, according to conservative Americans.

Social Democracy: What Canada Actually is. America with better social and medical programs regulated by government at the expense of higher taxes and more annoying unions.

Socialist (Actual)– What Communist China and USSR are. Despite being called commies by Americans.

Communist (Actual) – A nation comprised of loosely associated, self sustaining communities with no large scale social order or recognizable government.

Communist (American) – DAMN COMMIES!!!

Anarchist – I really what to fuck that chick two dorm rooms over who calls herself an Anarchist.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous:
It's his blog and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

Nixou said...

Me too, me too, I wanna play:

Political ideologies, translated by A French:

Sarkosyste [Conservative]: The government should let the private sector generate growth by not taxing as little as possible and getting as little involved as possible... But you better not touch the hundreds of billions of Euros of subsidies given to the privately owned companies.

Socialiste [Liberal]: The government should maintain a strong social safety net and not be afraid to tax and get involved as much as it is necessary... But not too much, because we really really really don't want people to start thinking that we are like the stalinists apologists of days gone by, so we're definitely going to apply our political program... but just a little.

Ultra-Libéral [Libertarian]: Economic growth can only be obtained if the children of rich people are allowed to earn truckloads of money without having to work or even display the slightest evidence of human intelligence while the working people should never be allowed to earn too much or complain or unionize... Our role model is the Chinese Communist Party, and no, we still don't understand why everyone in the room is laughing at us.

Frontiste [Fascist]: since the french law give the police the right to kick us repeatedly in the balls if we dare to utter any antisemitic remark, we decided to start bitching about the muslim immigrants. Appart from that, we still masturbate in front of maps of the former french colonial Empire while pretending to be the only real-true-authentic advocates of the rights of Nations to dispose of themselves.

Communiste [Socialist]: We think exactly the same think than the center-left moberal crowd, but we hate them for being right about the fact that the USSR was a crooked dictatorship.

Trotskiste [Tea-Party, except on the far-left]: We are the only authentic left-wing: everyone else his a servant of the Right, an enemy of the people, a minion of the so-called "western democracies" which are under the dictatorship of the capitalist system. The fact that we barely earn 10% of the popular vote simply proves that capitalism as alienated the proletariat so much that only a benevolent autocraty ruled by a vangard of trotskyst intellectuals who successfully passed more than 875 litmus tests can eventually guide the idiotic masses toward the happyness they don't deserve.

Centriste [Centrist & Independants]: By refusing to choose between the left and the right I have demonstrated my hability to transcend obsolete ideological and partisan divisions, therefore proving my intellectual superiority. I therefore do not have to make any intellectual effort anymore since I already know that I am smarter than everyone else so not having a coherent political program is not a problem at all.

Gaulliste [Bushist, except French]: The fact That France has the third biggest millitary budget and hundreds of nukes give me the right to be a douche toward the other nations of the world, to claim that France can do whatever the fuck it want on its own and that international treaties are null & void. I also cannot stand to posturing of American Bushists who are behaving exactly like me but are not French and did not start a revolution during the eighteeth century (Whataresaying "They did it as well"?)

Écolo [Ecologist]: We should forsake Oil and Gas because of the polution. We should also forsake nuclear power because of the risks, wind power because it annoys the farmers in the countryside, Neither should we construct new dams because it damage the ecosystems. We should stop using cars but I'm definitly NOT going to let anyone build a new railway near my house. By the way, we should also forsake chemical fertilizers but never ever start to talk about the possibility to used genetically engineered crops.

Anarchist: I'm already having sex with the anar chick the american anarchist was running after: Who the Fries do you think I am?

Anonymous said...

His blog is called "MOVIE" bob. Not who gives a fuck bob, or stereotypical democrat/liberal bob. if it was called either of those things i wouldn't visit this it.
so get off his dick, he's not gonna be your friend if you defend him. trust.

Anonymous said...

Movie Bob: "Proud to be an American;Prouder to be an American geek." The American Flag in the background.

It is not surprising that he includes political thoughts here.

Anonymous said...

Do yourself a favor and don't watch his other "game overthinker" videos, if you don't like him talking about politics. lol They're like politics and media doing a potara fusion, and then doing a fusion dance with humor and crazy references.

Anonymous said...

Very clever Bob. I'm happy to see you mixing stuff up a little today instead of continuing with the Super Hero Movie news. Not that I don't like Super Hero Movies, just that I like the variety of commentary I know you are capable of providing :)

I'm not sure why this sort of post pisses some people off. The only real damage it might do is to people that don't understand satire.

Anonymous said...

its boring.
i have to hear about how much people hate this country so much on the news everyday as they sit on there comfy sofas watching there entertaining TV's and playing there fun video game consoles and eating there tasty food all in the comfort of there own home while the AC is on full blast and there little dog plays in the front yard with there 25,000 dollar car parked in the driveway. you hate it so much, get the fuck out, make room for someone who will appreciate it alot more than you do. sit there and complain all day, and yet try n do nothing about it.

Anonymous said...

Bashing political parties isn't the same thing as bashing a country.

Anonymous said...

An alternative definition of anarchist: "I want to break stuff and be an all-around jackass because my mother didn't love me and made me eat all my vegetables before I got dessert. Also, I have the mentality of a 13-year-old."