Sunday, July 11, 2010

Lock him up

Evidently, I'm the only person on the internet who was A.) NEVER at all enamored of Colton Harris-Moore, aka "The Barefoot Bandit," aka "D.B. Cooper if the D.B. stood for Douche-Bag; and B.) is not at all broken-up over the fact that police finally took the little brat down in the Bahamas: http://gawker.com/5584243/barefoot-bandit-colton-harris+moore-arrested-in-bahamas

For those not up to speed, Harris-Moore is a 19 year-old "career criminal from Washington State who's managed to become a Twitter-generation "folk hero" for engaging in America's favorite sort of crime-spree - i.e. crime sprees committed by middle-class-appearing white teenagers for shits and giggles (America's LEAST favorite sort of crime spree? Just re-read that and mentally run through the opposites.) During his two year run as a fugitive, his exploits have inspired a MASSIVE Facebook-Friendlist, indie-music folk-anthems, YouTube montages and other assorted detritus of a failing culture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colton_harris-moore

Anyway, the cuffs thankfully went on before anyone got hurt or killed; which is good overall but DOES mean that now The Legend will only be further romanticized: Along with leaving cutsie-poo "calling cards," Harris-Moore was known for stealing airplanes and boats despite not having formal training in the operation of either, and evading cops by "living off the land" in forests; so he'll probably be hosting a damn "survival reality" show when he gets out.

FOR NOW, expect lots of footage of snot-nosed hipsters with handmade support-signs lining the streets wherever he's transported, an innevitable "My Story" book soon to occupy a treasured place on the bookshelf of every faux-"rebellious" douchenozzle in your neighborhood - right between Steve O's autobiography and the complete-collection of completely-misinterpreted Chuck Palanhiuk novels - and an overrated movie built around a "star turn" by a generic "boyish" actor trying to wriggle out of his Disney contract.

16 comments:

rob said...

Catch Me If You Can part Deux starring Shia laBeouf.

Anonymous said...

yea.... im with you on this one Bob.
fuck that kid.
I hope we never hear about him again.
Got SOOOOOO tired of seeing fan pages and songs about this douche bag.
Whatever though, still happier to see Lindsy Lohan get locked up.... ha.

Anonymous said...

i for one think Steve O's autobiography was a smashing read.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous
LOL..... just smashing.

Euler d'Moogle said...

Agree with you 100% here, Bob.

underthepale said...

I didn't know who this guy was before now.

Can I feel good about myself?

Mark said...

Agreed that this kid is just another criminal - a damn lucky one, but a criminal nonetheless, and should not receive any positive attention.

We digress on one thing, Bob. Chuck Palanhiuk's books are 'all' misinterpreted.

BFG said...

Life without parole.

Oh shit, problem solved. For life.

Keith said...

I had never heard of this guy until now and am appalled at the level of attention he is apparently getting. Though I must admit that Catch Me If You Can was a very interesting story as a period piece I never considered the guy to be a hero.

Question though, did anyone figure out "Survivor"? There is supposedly something I missed.

Smashmatt202 said...

Wait, so there are people who are actually praising this guy for stealing a bunch of vehicles? WTF?!

Peter S. said...

I have thankfully never heard a single thing about Mr. Harris-Moore up until this point and now that I'm up to speed, I can safely say it's been a long fucking time since I've been this pissed off at what you so eloquently phrased Bob as our "failing culture." The worst part, the absolute accept no-fucking-substitutes worst part about this whole rotten mess is that not only does his mother not seem at all torn up over the fact that her son is a career criminal who will now most likely spend the next twenty-plus years as the wife of the Health Inspector, she is now currently in negotiations with an entertainment lawyer to whore out his story any way that she can. I doubt I've ever wished flaming genocide upon the human race with the intensity I have now...

dennett316 said...

You think that's bad, go on facebook and search for Raoul Moat - he shot and killed his ex and wounded her new boyfriend and a cop before going on the run and taunting the police. He was then cornered, and after 6 hours of negotiations he killed himself - and people are praising HIM!!! This is in the UK by the way, our asshole quota has sky-rocketed in the last few years. People are laying flowers where he died for fuck sake....what's wrong with this generation man? I'm only 31, but I feel like the generation gap is HUGE between myself and the little snot nosed morons running around nowadays. Ugh...I feel so old.

bobbzman said...

I hadn't heard much about this guy, but he does seem to have some VERY enthusiastic supporters commenting on every news story about him... which makes absolutely no sense. The kid is not a political idealist making a point through civil disobedience. He's not "sticking it to the man". Martin Luther King and company stuck it to the man. Colton Harris-Moore is just a criminal with no cause but his own childish whims and ego.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Charlie St. Cloud is gonna suck.

But what can you do, it's Zac Efron.

adminsmithee said...

So its cool too steal other people's stuff? And not only that i will be kinda hero and also get$$$ movie or book deals?

/me gets the crowbar from the shed

But on the bright side, they do love boyish white folk in jail

Diceman82 said...

I still wonder how he is getting so much positive attention just stealing things for the sake of stealing things,back when i was younger real folk heroes if they had to do something illegal they made sure the means justified the ends.

an example being say...stealing a small motorboat to save someone drowning that the lifeguard cant get to(bad example)or killing a entire iran religion police force to save the life's of there non-Muslim targets.

those examples above are one of those grey areas of morality but stealing for the sake of stealing is much less davey crocket(sp?) and much more random guy robbing the local 7-11.