Friday, August 13, 2010

Now it can be told

Happy August-13th-as-of-45-minutes-ago everybody!

So, this week's "Escape to The Movies" should be up later today at noon, as usual. But since I only get to video-review one movie at a time (usually) I wanted to get the "bigger picture" in as soon as possible: And since it IS August-13th-as-of-45-minutes-ago, I can tell you that the answer to the puzzel... which all of you smarties apparently got right away... was that "The Expendables" is absolutely shit, "Eat Pray Love" is almost-certainly shit, but "Scott Pilgrim" is awesome - like, top-ten-best-of-the-year awesome.

But seriously - "The Expendables" is SHIT. I cannot stress that enough. Shit. S-H-I-T shit. At some point in the future I'll probably elaborate in video-form, but it can't be repeated enough: It sucks. It's "Transformers" bad. THAT bad.

And no, I don't mean that it sucks in the awesome way that 1980s "guy movies" suck and therefore it's ironically-awesome. I know that's what you've heard, and you've heard wrong. It's not an "homage" to bad movies, though it WANTS to be - it just IS a bad movie. Sloppily-directed, terribly written, and it doesn't even play to the strengths of it's assembled cast: Stallone and Rourke are both capable dramatic actors - why not give them anything to do? Statham and Jet Li are both skilled martial-arts stars - why are all the fights choppy over-edited MMA-looking crud? Dolph Lungdren and Terry Crews are funny - why not let them be? I'm struggling to think of anyone in this for whom it's NOT one of the worst things they've ever done, well... except for Steve Austin.

Oh, and the action? It's terrible. Guns get shot, guys fall over, pyro blows, that's about it. Occasionally there's an uninteresting fight scene. Remember all that glorious ultra-gore in "Rambo?" Yeah, not here. It was obviously shot with one eye on a potential PG-13, so it's all quick hits and blink-and-you-miss-it inserts.

It's a complete disaster, cynically banking on audiences either A.) actually still desiring this crap, or B.) thinking their getting Tarantino/Rodriguez-style crap-cinema-elevated-into-self-commentary when it's really just leftovers. So guys, I'm beggin' ya: PLEASE don't let it pay off for them. Not when a real, honest-for-real game-changing masterpiece like "Scott Pilgrim" (which, incidentally, also has better action scenes) is out there, too... or, hell, when you could even just go see Inception again ;)

15 comments:

A Tribe Called Helloween said...

Damn. What a bummer. I was really looking forward to the Expendables too.

dalekelad said...

Well, shoot, Dad had his heart set on this thing...

Cyrus said...

Sad to hear Expendables sucks, I was really looking forward to that.

But I'm glad Scott Pilgrim turned out to be good. I was REALLY worried that wasn't going to live up to the comics. Whenever I pictured Scott, Michael Cera NEVER entered my mind. Then again what do I know, he may actually be portraying a character this time.

Drunken Lemur said...

Speaking of Terry Crews, shouldn't he be the one wanting to play Luke Cage? I think he'd be perfect for the role, or at least better suited than Isaiah Mustafa

Chris Sound said...

ARRRGH!!! Now I'm torn! (Not that I expected much from The Expendables) But seriously torn! I absolutely FUCKING HATE Michael Cera with every fibre of my being (but I LOVE Edgar Wright). And now to hear that Scott Pilgrim is REALLY good? I honestly never expected THAT. Jeez, what a dilemma! ;)

The Grey Man said...

I've gotta agree with Bob on the action scenes on Scott Pilgrim. They're flat-out entertaining as hell and actually REALLY well choreographed.

Andrew said...

This is real shit.

This *ahem*film*ahem* is pure shit.

It's good shit, right?

I mean bad shit.

Bad shit, like, this shit is bad?

Shit shit. Not worth shit.


Sorry, I couldn't help myself, you'll excuse the slight alteration for relevance.

What with the content of your "the other guys" review and your extensive use of the word "shit" it just sprung into my mind.

J_Tracey said...

Yeah, i'm not surprised. I had no hope for the Expendables the moment I saw the fits trailer. It seemed like just some stupid cash in.

But I'm glad Scott Pilgrim turned out good (at least for you bob). I'm seeing it today and hopefully I'll have the same reaction.

emxthree said...

Man, I knew this would happen, but now I'm stuck seeing the Expendables because my friends refuse to watch Scott Pilgrim.

Clayton said...

I'm not surprised, the 80s action movie is deader than dead. It lived in a time where extravagance and machismo took priority over plot and character. After people realized you can have plot and inspired action with stuff like The Matrix, Spider-Man, X-Men, and The Dark Knight stuff like the Expendables just look dated, pathetic, and arrogant. No one misses the jock-pleasing crap that exemplified the Reagan era especially when we have much more nuanced actors in action roles.

Anyway, I'm rambling; I might check out Scott Pilgrim because I looooooooved Hot Fuzz

Dave Kraft said...

It's Friday the 13th! I'm surprised you didn't do a horror flick review XD

RestamSalucard said...

The Spoony One made his own Expendibles review, hopefully it will do until you make your own: http://spoonyexperiment.com/2010/08/13/vlog-8-13-10-expendables-review/

blockmangamer said...

I really wanted to see Scott Pilgrim but my friend insisted Expendable cause he'd saw Scott Pilgrim the previous night. /_\

After watching the whole film (again my friend wanted the after-credits), it wasn't that bad. Well, refreshingly enjoyable is more like it. All the jokes and innuendos really tells this was made for the 80s/90s action lovers and carried very well. Plus the action scenes were alright.

Though not the spectacular, end-all, blockbuster epic that Moviebob wanted I'm assuming, it's FAR from pure shit.

Nicolas said...

Totally Disagree with you here Bob.

For too long, action movies have been riddled with Jason Bourne knockoffs. Pretentious, camera-jerking intrigue-less spy flicks and car-happy stripper-focused movies like the Transporter series and Fast and Furious have all but killed my interest in the action film genre. Then comes along the fucking holy grail of action movies, one that has all the original major action heroes (save Mel Gibson, who's busy being crazy) and just establishes right off the back that movies can still be about brutal looking guys blowing shit up and making it cool.

Yes, the narrative is a bit shallow and Stallone doesn't shine like he did in Rambo or Get Carter but I feel this movie has so much going for it, I don't even need to ignore little things like that. This movie is looking less to challenge the industry with it's cinematography but rather it's presentation and message; 'Remember Predator, Rambo, Robocop, Die Hard, etc and how action movies used to be awesome?'

Anonymous said...

TOTAL SHEEITE MILITIA BEYOND CRAP WORST BLU-RAY EVER REDBOX SHOULD KISS MY RUDDY ASS