Sunday, May 29, 2011

I Don't Care About Anthony Weiner's Penis...

...BUT I'm not above aluding to it for attention ;)

More after the jump, for benefit of people who have an issue with political stuff on the main page:


In case you hadn't heard, Democrat Congressman Anthony Weiner - best (only?) known for being young, photogenic and willing to let fly with a catchy firebrand eff-you quote directed at his Republican colleagues whenever anywhere near a TV camera - may or may not have Tweeted a picture of someone's underwear-clad junk late Friday night, then quickly deleted it, and that the junk in question may or may not belong to Weiner himself, and may or may not have been originally meant as a private message to a college girl he may or may not be having an affair with. On the one hand, Occam's Razor favors the "may" option. On the other hand, the folks driving the story are primarily working under utterly-discredited right-wing douchebag Andrew Breitbart; so "bullshit" is also totally feasible.

Whatever. I don't really give a shit about stuff like this - I happen to like Weiner (get it out of your systems now, I'll wait) and precisely NONE of the reasons I like him involve "seems like a guy who doesn't cheat on his wife." I don't give two shits about the penny ante moral-fortitude of - well... anything, technically, but especially politicians. Does he vote the way I'd prefer on things I care about? If YES, then I don't give a shit about his "decency." I want pro-choice federal judges, well-funded arts/sciences/infrastructure, a rigidly enforced barrier between Church and State and for "social conservative" lawmakers and lobbyists to go home every weekend squealin' from the feelin'; and if I get those things the guys who do the gettin' can fool around with whoever they like - at least until they're within reach of their spouse, i.e. the ONLY person whose business ANY of this is.

I've never really been able to understand WHY people react with such horror to politicians' sex lives. Right now, Newt Gingrich is aaaaaalllll kinds of trouble because he fools around, buys lavish gifts for women and remarries a lot. Seriously? THAT'S the problem with Newt, as opposed to the mountains of other stupid/dangerous things he promotes and stands for? Being a not-terribly-attractive/charismatic guy who takes advantage of his late-blooming fame and wealth to score chicks doesn't make Gingrich a bad candidate for office - being a willing shill for corporate douchebags and religious-right assholes makes him a bad candidate; the other stuff just makes him slightly more relatable. (Though NOT "likable," I stress - cheating isn't cool, Newt ditching his dying wife for someone younger much less so.)

Innevitably, someone is going to come back on this with the old "if they cheat on their wife, they'll cheat on The Country!!!" saw, which is one of those analogies that sounds pointed and insightful for all of a second before you realize it's just DUMB. What the hell does "cheat on the country" mean? Are people worried that insufficiently-monogamous Presidents will start slipping out on the weekends to Govern some other younger, better-looking nation? Actually... maybe that IS what a depressing number of people are actually worried about - think about how often "you'd rather be Canadian!!!" is used as somebody's idea of a slur against American liberals, or how frequently President Obama is derrided for seeming to have a preference for certain aspects of European culture over American.

Just once - ONCE! - I want to see a politician - ANY politicians - of either party caught in one of these "sex scandals" get up to the mic and give some version of the following statement:

"Hell yes, I had sex with that woman. And not just that one, either. A WHOLE bunch of women - seriously, you don't even know. You know who DID know? My wife, here." ::wife nods:: "Hell, she was THERE half the time! Yeah, that's right, we've got an 'arrangement.' It's 2011, fucking deal with it. Oh, don't misunderstand - she's pissed off at me alright... pissed off that I got stupid and got CAUGHT and now we have to do this dance for you media dipshits. Hell, the only reason we didn't just say this shit right upfront is that we were trying to get my ass ELECTED and you tools would've acted exactly like you're acting now, on account of being beholden to a voting/media-consuming public about 50% of which actually DO care more about this meaningless parochial bullshit than they do about things that actually effect their well-being." ::wife makes obscene gesture at aghast NY Post Reporter:: "Well, guess what? This is me, this is us, this is how we roll. And WHILE I've been in office, all y'all made out DAMN well. You like all those well-paid cops and firefighters? You enjoy that properly-scheduled mass-transit and functional roads and rails? You're welcome. Want it to keep comin'? FOUR MORE YEARS, bro! OR, you wanna go and toss all that out and roll the dice because how we run our bedroom is soooooo offensive to you? Well then good luck to ya, fucko - this press conference ALONE just landed me enough book deals, speaking engagements and 'on-staff contributor' gigs to live like royalty for the rest of our lives, so we're all good. Now, if you'll excuse us, the Missus and I have a dinner date with Miss July - don't worry, I'm sure there'll be a tape in a month or two. DONE!"

And that's why I am not a campaign manager.

32 comments:

Q said...

I always felt that Americans (myself included) cares more about image than anything else. We want to be "seen" as moral. We want to be "seen" as righteous. That we'll do anything to save face even if that anything is horrendous. Clinton did many more crimes covering up the scandal than the scandal itself. We're cowards forever afraid to admit that Americans as the whole aren't really the deep or committed to anything because unlike other cultures our icons are still new and fragile. No one wants to examine them too closely otherwise the paint may smear.

Peter said...

I know I am going to sound like such a suck-up for saying this, but Movie Bob if you keep echoing my every view on politics and putting them to words more clearly and eloquently than I ever could I might just have to travel all the way to your home and give you the biggest hug you have ever had.

Amund said...

Hold a tic... just let me check something.

Yep I laughed so hard that I pissed myself.

Highman_95 said...

MOVIEBOB President 2012

Cartogriffi said...

While you might not be the best campaign manager Bob I will point out that many people remember politicians trying to cover these things up, and they do not remember them fondly. Relatively few remember Betty Ford’s frank discussions of sex and those that do generally respect her highly for her candor and honesty.

Honesty in politics . . . yeah I don’t see that happening either.

Nick said...

Actually, I'm far MORE willing to tolerate this sort of thing from the "side" who doesn't base half their candidates' campaigns around sexual morality and telling other people what they can do in the privacy of their own homes.

If Anthony Weiner doesn't consider my sex life to be any of his business, then I don't consider his sex life any of mine.

Besides, what do we actually know about this situation, that doesn't come from the man who staged faked videos as part of a smear campaign against Planned Parenthood?

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nick said...

Oh look, the college student he allegedly tweeted it too says a stranger has been harassing her for months and attempting to defame Weiner...

But of course, that won't matter. People will believe anything they read on the internet; that's how scandals spread in the 21st century. Which is why I am now presenting irrefutable proof that Breitbart has done the exact same thing.

Reverend Allan Ironside said...

Wiener? Photogenic? With that skinny neck the size of a garden hose? Photogenic compared to what?

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a guy with that last name is involved in a scandal that involves a penis?

Psyckid008 said...

Weiner spoke at my high school graduation last year. All of the kids started laughing when he said his name.

I felt ashamed for my entire fucking class.

The Partisan said...

*last paragraph

Bill Clinton?

Popcorn Dave said...

Yep, it's fucking pathetic how we're still basing so much of politics on this soap opera bullshit that no thinking person should care the slightest bit about.

It's pretty awesome when the preachy moralising candidates get caught doing it though.

Lee Kalba said...

@ Allan

Yes, you are because that's not irony.
Also, photogenic compared to other politicians. It's all relative, put a 5 next to a 9, and the 5 looks like hell, put the 5 next to a 2, and the 5 looks awesome.

Regarding the actual topic, I still find hypocritical of the so-called moral majority to go on about the "sanctity of marriage" when they cheat on their wives, get multiple divorces, and/or turn out to be closet homosexuals; it's like someone on food stamps complaining about welfare.

Knight The Arsonist said...

's what you get for living in a country where a whole load of people are scared of sexuality. Be it virginity-lauding or gay-bashing you guys have some seriously bizarre sexual mores. Legacy of puritanism, I guess.

MagnaParvusFilms said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Will said...

Well, its good to know I'm not the only one who doesn't give a damn about sex scandals.
I'd rather have an asshole or "cheater" who supports my views in office then a nice, friendly guy who's just bat-shit crazy.
I'm sure Bush was a nice guy, someone you could have a pleasant beer with, but that doesn't mean he's ready to run anything.

Mads said...

actually, popular opinion rarely care about the details...people care far more about how people handle it.

There was a politician...member of parliament...in this country who was looking at top-level exclusion after banging a 15-years old highschooler at the high age of 35. This is technically legal here if it's something both people wants, and noone thought her being a member of a youth-chapter he'd just held a speech for was capable of influencing her enough that it may have manipulated her.

The politician was without spouse, so that doesn't really tie into it, but generally, banging out of your age group carries at least as bad a stigma as cheating on a spouse. Anyway, point of the story, party top was about to exclude him at a meeting he wasn't scheduled to attend when he showed up, and said fuck no, I'm not going anywhere. By asserting himself in such a fashion, suddenly those who wanted his exclusion got a bad rep, and he got a massive comeback.

So ok, maybe the rant posted by moviebob shouldn't be quoted verbatim, it has too many expletives for american politics, but he essentially has a point. Come out swinging and deliver an argument, and you've got something to go on.

But it needs to be more aggressive, and it needs to scapegoat someone specific as moralizing, invading his privacy, and trying to force political correctness down his throat.

And yeah, that would probably work, in my estimate. That could easily get someone like trump off the hook, who's known for having giant balls. Maybe a democrat would be able to defend himself with this rhetoric too, though republicans are clearly more responsive to theatrics than democrats, moral values or not.

TheAlmightyNarf said...

I'm kind'a of the understanding that just about any male of significant power or fame is screwing around at every opportunity. Some are simply more discreet about it than others. Unfortunately, it seems most people are bizarrely in denial about human biology.

Tweeting a picture of his junk really isn't the sort of thing a congressman should be doing, though... That's the sort of thing Charlie Sheen would be doing.

Just Gavin said...

If you feel like working that Speech into an episode of The Big Picture, it would be awesome.

And yes, I agree with you. A job is about being qualified and working well, providing the personal life never gets in the way, it's the best qualified man who wins, not the one who's faithful to his wife.

Popcorn Dave said...

I agree, Narf. You have a system that rewards narcissistic alpha males, then you have thousands of (usually much younger) women throwing themselves at said men, and then we're supposed to be shocked and appalled when the inevitable happens.

Personally what I'm appalled at is this stupid modern culture where people think they're entitled to know everything about a person, and even tell them how they need to look and behave, just because they're a "public figure". Fucking parasites.

Dave from canada said...

There is an argument to be made that people who screw around show a serious lack of judgement and inability to commit to something.

Though I think i'll just post this WKUK clip instead, i think it says it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ5cGYBV2TQ

Phantos said...

I have to wonder if, for all of the outrage that happens at a time like this, if a scandal isn't actually beneficial in the long run?

I have a sneaking suspicion that some people will just vote for a guy if they hear his name in the news enough. Regardless of if it's flattering.

It would certainly help explain some recent Canadian election results...

Aiddon said...

and this is why I will never, ever understand why Clinton got in so much trouble for getting blown. Honestly, as long as they do their jobs right I could care less about what kinda crap they're into in the bedroom

Joe said...

I agree Clinton's indiscretions were his own damn business--if he had kept them separate from his job. If you had sex in the workplace, extra-marital or not, and your boss found out, they'd definitely have grounds to discipline you, if not terminate your employment. If Clinton actually received fellatio in the Oval Office (though to be fair I don't know if that was actually confirmed or just Lewinsky's allegation), I think his employers--ie, the taxpayers--are entitled to question his professional ethics. If this happened in a hotel room instead, then I definitely feel he'd be entitled to his privacy.

In Gingrich's case, it's more about the hypocrisy of going for leadership in the "family values" party. And dumping his second his wife while she was in the hospital with cancer was a bona fide douchebag move. Same with Giuliani parading around with his mistress in front of cameras on Mother's Day. If you're unfaithful, or can't make a marriage work, I think most people would understand. But if you're a sociopathic asshole about it, people just might have a problem with that.

antecedentless said...

I'll just leave this here

>dumping his second his wife while she was in the hospital with cancer

Wow, uh... how come I have never heard of that? Well, then again, I didn't know much about the Anthony Weiner situation until today.

antecedentless said...

That's why

Looks like that can go in the same rumour bin as "Rush Limbaugh sneaking Viagra" (the perscription was not in his name) and "Karl Rove was behind a racist push poll"

That aside, the differnce between, say, Hamilton's affair and Clinton's was that Hamilton was open about what happened when he was exposed. It looks like the cleanup work has already begun for Representative Weiner.

Arturo said...

There's this Machinima series called Sanity Not Included, which you should look up, which has this guy named Lyle, whose voice I think would be a perfect fit for that monologue.
Here's a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWwbNlS5H0c&list=SL
Check it at about 5:48

The Karligarchy said...

What if we changed our election system to where we never saw the candidates or heard their actual voices until after election day. All they campaign speeches would be read by a read and write sounding computer. Wouldn´t even know there names. Candidate 1, and Candidate A. The only thing to go one would be the content of the speeches read by robots. Maybe not a good solution for the country, but maybe a good premise for a science fiction short story.

TheAlmightyNarf said...

@ The Karligarchy

Considering politicians rarely write their own speeches, that's really not much to go on at all.

Besides, you can tell a lot more about a person by the way they act and how they talk than by the words they actually say... especially in the case of politicians.

Phobos said...

Why do stories like this always get such big coverage, because they sell news papers and news media ratings. Nothing is guaranteed to sell like scandal.

So we should not be surprised. The thing I disagree with Bob about is whether we should care about a politicians sex life or not. I say it depends on the politician. If they ran, like Newt, as a 'family values' candidate (as most on the right do), then the public have a right to know when they act in a non 'family values' way. If they are voting against gay rights saying it is an affront to their religion, while carrying on a gay affair, I think that is of public interest.

But the media are unable to make these distinctions any-more due to journalism being a dying skill. So now they treat anything suspect, like the above story, like it is Watergate all over again. Which in this case it isn't and in the case of Wiener does not even rate much in the public interest as he never put himself out there as a sexual conservative, being of the left of politics.

You had Clinton who was widely recognised to be fairly good at managing the country under threat of impeachment. And Bush who 'could' be argued to be a War Criminal with no such threat. That says all I need to know about political values. Start wars, kill loads of people and manage the country into one of it's biggest financial crashes, no probs. Get a blowjob in the oval office, that's just not on......

Reverend Allan Ironside said...

Well, well, well, look who the jackass is now? Maybe the guy who's now been caught lying? Maybe the guy doing the stupidest thing you can do with a facebook or Twitter account? Maybe we can all not care one way or the other about him doing this, but I imagine his wife isn't too happy to find out that her husband is sending questionable pics of himself to some woman she doesn't know. (I know MY wife wouldn't)

6c898700-5c58-11e0-92aa-000bcdcb5194 said...

Bob, you sure know how to pick a winner.

Republican takes a photo with his shirt off?

Gone within 24 hours.

Democrats sending pics of his dick to possible underage girls?

Nope, not resigning.