Monday, March 26, 2012

"Breaking Dawn" Teased

Imagine trying to explain what the hell is being advertised - and why it's worth of all the ominous music-cues - a scant few years from now when basically no one remembers (or wants to remember) that "Twilight" was ever a "thing?"

22 comments:

Chris the gamer said...

Oh my god, I lost it at
Kristen Steward
Deer-Killer

Cass said...

Hooray, my life is complete now that I have a husband!

A. Ivan said...

Bella Swan: Serial Antelope Rapist.

Blue Highwind said...

Are we supposed to be rooting for Bella or the deer? I don't get it. That has to be the most innocent-looking deer since Bambi.

Bambi's mom is gonna get fucked up.

Anonymous said...

So Bob, now that The Hunger Games made more than double its budget in the United States alone over one weekend, the Twilight series passed the 2.5 billion dollar mark, and Bridesmaids made 288 million, do you think we're likely to see the floodgates open for more female-targeted movies with dark themes? Or do you think the same misogynistic studio heads that intentionally sink anything that isn't blandly heteronormative (or starring Angelina Jolie) will do their best to try to kill this before it becomes a "thing"? The public would like to know!

(Yes, I'm aware Twilight is super heteronormative, but at least it pretends to be dark, violent and edgy.)

David (The Pants) said...

She's married at 18...to a 110 year old. Was she pregnant before they got married? Because that seems more normal than if she was after...but I think she was pregnant after...

Mads said...

fresh deer omnomnomnom

Anonymous said...

She'll show Robert DeNiro how it's really done.

Jake said...

@Anonymous 1
They won't if it makes them more money.

Peter S. said...

>Picks self up off the floor after laughing fit
>Composes self and begins to articulate opinion
>Recalls final shot and relapses into hysterics

kevmon1116 said...

Oh, Fuck me, this is coming out on my freaking birthday! I normally don't give s shit about this franchise, just wanted to wait until it died. Now I have a freaking tangential connection to it. Dammit!!!

Aiddon said...

and thus the last of this tripe will come to pass. I wonder how people will react to Kristen Stewart playing Marylou in "On the Road"

Dominic said...

The shot of Bella running is like a radical feminist reinterpretation of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Anonymous said...

I had actually forgot that there was still another one of these still due to be secreted into theaters.

I'm always amused by how, for "vampire" movies, Twilight has more daylight scenes than any vampire film in the history of cinema, including Nosferatu, which could only be filmed in bright daylight.

B.L.C. Agnew said...

I can only hope that the "looking back and wondering what the big screaming deal about this blemish on the face of genre fiction was all about" part of pop history comes sooner rather than later.

I have to say, it could almost be impressive how earnestly horrible and yet so consistently profitable this franchise has been. . . if it weren't so depressing.

john said...

Oh man. Oh man. It actually makes me kinda pissed, because it so neatly intercuts shots of the same stupid shit ("We're the same temperature now?" ...is there anywhere in all of spacetime that that would be considered a not-dumb thing to say?) with shots of something that I'd honestly like to watch. I mean it, if the whole thing was nothing but Kristen Stewart oh-so-seriously preying on whitetails in lush Pacific Northwest rainforest, I'd buy a couple of six-packs and watch the hell out of it three or four times until I was laughing until I puked on the theater floor.

Joe said...

@Anonymous 11:40

The Hunger Games and Bridesmaids weren't heteronormative? I don't recall a whole lot of LGBTQ content in either of those.

I think you mean "andronormative". Wait, is that a word?

Jake said...

@Joe
If Wikipedia is right, then heteronormative also means strict gender roles. Maybe anon meant that.

Anonymous said...

@ Jake

Yeah, gender roles. The Hunger Games portrays violent little girls as a natural part of life and Bridesmaids was bold enough to show women being vulgar and disgusting. Of course, we'll never homosexuality that isn't portrayed as dangerous, depraved, or rebellious until the Abrahamic religions lose their social power.

Anonymous said...

@B.L.C. Agnew

It is impressive. Here's a book so infamously poorly written that in all rational probability it would have simply been self-published online and never noticed by anyone. But somehow it managed to get the endorsement of someone with the means to put it into print. Okay, sure, every piece of work, no matter how bad, will inevitably be enjoyed by someone. But there's no way anyone was ever going to buy it. And then they did. And not only that but it became a bestseller. And then it became an international phenomenon. And now we're awaiting the fifth installment in the film franchise. Has there ever been another example in history of anything this overwhelmingly awful being this much of a success. I mean sure, the Bayformers movies may be some of the most disgusting pieces of cinematic garbage to ever break box office records, but those had the advantage at least of being based on an already established and beloved franchise of good things, so that no matter how awful they were there was always a level of guaranteed success. But for something to go from such an intellectually facile piece of literary excrement to a runaway success is rare and bewildering.

KevinCV said...

Slightly offtopic, but have anyone you -Bob included- read the blog of MarzGurl from "That Guy With The Glasses"? She has a feature on it called "Picking Apart Twilight", and it's awesomely funny. It's refreshing to see a girl actually going out of their way to pick this series apart and criticize practically every little detail of it, chapter by chapter.

What makes it even more awesome is she started doing this thing not long after suffering through ALL those abysmal sequels in the franchise that is "The Land Before Time", including the animated series. My only hang-up is that MarzGurl doesn't update it very often, so I have to keep an eye on her Twitter feed to see if she has. You can find it here: http://marzgurl.wordpress.com/

Anonymous said...

I can't wait for this movie to come out. Not because I think it will be any good (it won't), but because after the special extended edition home release, it will be the end of this franchise. No more trailers, no more billboards, no more slots on talk shows, no more tie-in products at the supermarket, and no more cardboard cutout stands of the actors (insert obvious joke here) in the local library. The wounds of such terribly written garbage finding an audience in spite of (or, perhaps, because of) being a narrative and thematic mess of shit prose, abusive anti-feminism, and horrible implications will be allowed to heal. Come April of 2018, we'll all look back on this franchise and say "we don't talk about that".

By the way, check out the "Positive Reception" section of Wikipedia's article, realize that book critics have just as little integrity as video game critics, and weep. If you don't want to be depressed, definitely don't look back in the page history to when that was the only reception the article noted.