Saturday, September 15, 2012

Escape to The Movies: "Branded"

Hellooooooo potential worst film of the year!

"Intermission" is about "Man of Steel."

P.S. Apologies for not getting this up later - Escapist Expo is in full swing: 3 Panels today (Jim Sterling and Yahtzee Croshaw are, indeed, seriously cool cats in real life) plus hosting a live-screening (with "riff" commentary by yours truly) of "Flash Gordon" at night. Pretty damn awesome day, but also completely wiped out.


Tkscz said...

If there is anyone who should stay away from this movie, it would most definitely be me. I won't lie about it, I'm a chubby chaser, I find plus sized women to be very beautiful. So what this movie is saying to me is that I'm just as "evil" as these corporate brandings for a having an opinion on beauty.

Lord Slithor said...

Well that's disappointing. From the trailers I saw, it looked like Philip K. Dick by way of David Cronenberg. Just goes to show how trailers can show you a different movie than what's promised.

Still, I hardly think this looks anywhere near as bad as The Room or Birdemic. Think you're overstating the case there. I probably still will see it, but either when it comes out on Netflix on Redbox. No theater in my area seems to be playing it anyway.

However, one of the theaters in Baltimore, The Charles, is showing Robot & Frank. On the other side of the coin, one of the AMC multiplexes in my area is showing Last Ounce of Courage. Love to know how many tickets that one is (not) selling!

I would have asked why you didn't review Resident Evil: Retribution instead? Then I realized it probably wasn't screened for critics.

Lord Slithor said...

Also wanted to add that my fiancee would probably be VERY put off by this movie, as she's a plus-sized woman herself.

Anonymous said...

@ Tkscz

Same here, bro! F.A. (Fat Admirer) and proud! Big girls really are the sexiest thing ever (though I don't really use the term "chubby chaser," as it could be inferred as something else to those not "in the know").

Man, I found the clips of the film that were in this review both scary and sickening, like, beyond that of your average bad movie. I imagine that if this filth were to gain more of an impact amongst the populace, it could become the weightist equivalent of "Birth of a Nation." Really scary stuff.

Also, poor Jeffery Tambor; it's a good thing that new episodes of "Arrested Development" are in the works, because he clearly needs something to do.

Joshua the Anarchist said...

Damn, I was actually looking forward to this one.

Mr Fist said...

Never heard of this film. Well, so much for that.

By the way, Southland Tales is one of my all time favourite films. But then again, I do enjoy having the jizz of pretentious film-making all over my face...

The Saarai'ari said...

Hope your commentary of the Flash Gordon film was recorded and will be shown here on your blog or the Escapist, Bob. I was there with my brother and we had a blast.

Among the highlights of your commentary for me were the following. Apologizes if I forgot some of what was said, but hope you all will get the gist of it.

Flash Gordon: *Introduces himself to Emperor Ming.* "Flash Gordon! Quarterback, New York Jets!"
MovieBob: "Stop telling us that! I want to like you!"

*Emperor Ming walks into his bedroom going to Dale who's assumed to be asleep in there, taking off his sash from his red robe.*
MovieBob: "Here comes Emperor Ming, wearing his I'm going to tap that robe."

*Flash follows Princess Aura, who is played by the extremely beautiful Ornella Muti in a scantily clad red costume, through Emperor Ming's palace in Mongo.*
MovieBob: "Thing about this film is, when I was eight, it was good. When I was twelve, it was awesome!"

*Princess Aura gets together on planet Arboria with Prince Barin, after having taken Flash Gordon with her to the planet. Aura and Barin very close to each other as he looks into her eyes.*
MovieBob: "Here comes the best line in the whole movie."
Prince Barin: "You lying bitch."

Again, the commentary was great and we had a wonderful time.

Anonymous said...

I've not seen anything regarding Branded aside from movie times in an e-mail, a poor review on io9, and now a poor review here. It will likely be something I make it a point to see in three months after it is rushed to DVD (just in time for Christmas?). Well, unless I forget about it, which may just happen.

But I have to comment on Southland Tales, which I somehow found completely unpretentious. I think we were watching the film differently, since I didn't think anyone involved with the film thought it was anything more than it was - which was a weird ass movie. It took a while for things to sink in, but when the movie hits the revelation about Mandy Moore's character's pregnancy, I realized the movie wasn't serious at all. I thought it was making fun of all of those movies that take themselves so seriously. After that, I had a great time watching an absurd and fun film.

Of course, since I know that people find it difficult to see the film this way, I have trouble recommending it. Hell, I have trouble recommending that you check it out again. All I can do is assure you that it is not as pretentious as you seem to think.

Megabyte said...

Outside of the whole "fat" thing, you didn't get that this was nothing short of a blatant anti-commercialism flick/propoganda from the trailer? Really? Seriously, the trailer alone told me this was going to suck and be preachy and generally everything I never wanted from a movie.

But to mention the "nifty looking" special effects? Bob... Seriously... I could have sworn the best looking "thing" in that trailer was a Langolier rip-off. These creatures look FUCKING HORRIBLE.

But hey, at least you explained the origin about them, sparing me the pain of even satisfying that small curiosity...


Chris Cesarano said...

Call me horrible, but being a fat person myself, seeing someone come out and say "Look, being fat is a bad thing, okay?" doesn't bother me. I actually agree with it. Last year I started having shortness of breath and occasionally my heart racing [i]for no good reason[/i] simply because I weighed too damn much. I didn't want to play physical games with my friends. I didn't even want to move.

25 fewer pounds and a lot of exercise later and my life has improved. I'm more willing to do chores, to play games with my friends, and to play with my niece. I want to lose even more weight so things can get even better.

So if a movie is saying "Look, you're not healthy", then I cannot have a problem with that. Though it's a catch-22, because a lot of the stick-figures that Hollywood and magazines parade around as beautiful aren't healthy either.

But my real problem is that their entire message is summed up with "being manipulated by marketing will make you fat".


This message has been done so many times but much better people, and the end result is usually "These things won't buy you happiness". I mean, Jesus, Fight Club practically spells it out and it's still a lot better than what is in this film.